The challenge to be truly grateful for everything in life

It is relatively easy to be thankful with a heart filled with gratitude for life’s large blessings that come our way through the grace of God.  A job promotion, a salary increment, a new born member into the family, a windfall, good news of a clean bill of health from the doctor, and success in its myriad forms.  As Jesus stated in the scriptures, “even Pharisees do as much”, though there may be very few real Pharisees in our times. 

But interspersed between these obvious moments of blessings when ‘angels’ visit us, there are also many other moments when life gives us many other challenges and we are faced with the pains and struggles of life and its relationships.  That’s when just the opposite happens to us – when we may lose our job, when someone we love and cherish meets with illness and dies, when we suffer a huge loss in our investments, when a natural disaster strikes, when our doctor gives us a diagnosis of a malignant tumor, when we suffer some form of failure and dejection or when a loved one betrays us, leaving us wounded and limping.  At these moments which Richard Rohr would label as ‘liminal space’ moments (from the Latin word ‘limen’ meaning threshold), many end up cursing God and foe, and perhaps ‘punish’ God by leaving the Church and stop praying altogether.  As a priest, it is so common to hear this happening from family members of such wounded people (usually mothers of children who no longer go to Sunday Eucharist), or as a lament from the very people themselves, often with a spirit of cynicism that can be easily detected from a sarcasm-laced critical attitude when speaking of God and religion.  Of course, if the Church had been a cause for scandal and reproach due to her own weak and sinful actions of the members of the Church or clergy, justice needs to be meted and wounds help to be healed.  But what if the suffering and pain has little or nothing to do with someone or some institution with regard to the suffering?  What if the suffering is part of life, which is God’s great gift to us?  Do we still become grateful?  How in the world do we do that?  Would we be labeled as die-hard masochists if we are grateful for life’s challenges and crosses?

A good friend of mine was just diagnosed with cancer of the thyroid recently, and in my conversation with her, I was quietly delighted to hear her say that she sees that cancer is a blessing from God.  Her positive attitude in life and toward God reveals a great trust and reliance on God whom she has a very real relationship with. Her family is still struggling to accept this piece of news, and that is to be expected perhaps because no two people can ever be at the same level of spirituality and spiritual growth as it is a very individual thing.  It is our spiritual preparation in life comprising  our daily prayer life, discipline and walk with God that often determines our ability to live with hands that are outstretched in gratitude for every little thing in life that comes our way, good or bad.  When we cannot live in this positive way, we only injure ourselves further by the two “C’s” which never lead to growth and maturity – Complain and Compare.

When we think that life has to be ‘fair’ and smooth sailing, and when we have expectations to be met – of God, of our families, of friends, of acquaintances, and others, we are setting ourselves for a hard time in life.  This is especially so when we have one eye constantly cast on the lives of others with the other on our own, and complain to God that life is unfair.  Little do we realize that when we do that, we are often mixing up God with life.  In one of his writings, American spiritual author Philip Yancey quotes a very deeply spiritual man whom he interviewed as saying that many confuse God with life.  He says “we tend to think that life should be fair because God is fair.”  But God is not life, and if we confuse God with the physical reality of life, by expecting good health and all its benefits, we are setting up ourselves for great disappointment.  This was coming from a person who went through great struggles and tragedies in life.  Yancey calls him a modern day Job.

James Finley, a former Trappist Monk, who was in the Trappist Monastery in Gethsemani Kentucky with Thomas Merton, says that “when we come to fork roads in life, there are two possibilities that face us, or two options that we can take.  We can choose to go deep, or we can choose to despair.”  What wise words.  Oftentimes, the latter is chosen more out of fear and desperation than out of a free choice.  But when one has been given a special grace by God, or when one has been quietly preparing oneself by maintaining and developing a strong relationship with God, one can take that bold step to go deep.  And it is in the depths of one’s being in tune with God’s Being that gives one begins to develop a grateful spirit no matter what happens. 

I just had a rather big disappointment last week with regard to my Leukemia journey that I’ve been on since the beginning of this year.  I was scheduled to receive a valuable gift – stem cells from a donor who has a perfect match with my stem cells was found by the Bone Marrow Donor Programme from Canada.  My doctor was very pleased with this 1 in 20,000 match, and I was supposed to get this gift sometime toward the end of June.  Last week, I was told that the donor had decided against the donation and for undisclosed reasons, was not proceeding with the arrangements. 

How did I take this piece of news?  I must say that I surprised myself.  I was and still am very calm about it.  I am certainly not angry about this change of decision of the donor.  She must have her reasons which I will respect as the prerogative to give her stem cells is totally hers.  That she signed on to be a potential donor in the first place shows that she was willing to give it a try.  Certainly, if she had completed the donation process and I received her stem cells for a hope of renewed life, I would be very grateful.  But would this not mean that my gratitude is conditional if I were to only be grateful for something completed and successful?  Didn’t Mother Theresa say that God doesn’t want success but faithfulness?  If our gratitude to others is only based on our measure of goodness and generosity, most people would fall short of getting our heartfelt thanks.  When God shows us his mercy, what makes his mercy so divine is that he steps into our shoes and sees our actions and decisions from our point of view before any judgment is made.  And when he asks that we be holy as he is holy, the command is that we try to do the same when dealing with others and their actions.  Sure this is hard, but it is not impossible. 

I may be disappointed, but I do not think that anyone owes us anything in life.  There are very few, if any, entitlements in life.  When we have that as our attitude towards others, we prevent ourselves from practicing gratitude.  We just don’t practice gratitude enough in our lives to become experts at doing it as part of our very being. I am a strong believer that the more we practice this, the more we will be able to be truly grateful for everything in life - even the disappointments that eventually teach us something about ourselves. 

So the search resumes by the Bone Marrow Donor Programme for another perfect match for my marrow and stem cell markers, and my marathon run of further lengthy and tiring chemotherapy sessions at the hospital continues, with the dreaded intrathecal injections, which I will try to receive with a growing heart that is being trained in living with gratitude and thanks.