300 - looking back with gratitude.

It is with a strange admixture of gratitude and trepidation that I write this blog entry this week.  Yes, it is a milestone of sorts – my 300^th blog entry after having written assiduously for almost 6 years, every Monday morning, save for perhaps three or four entries.  I do not have any bloggers’ similar experiences to compare with, as I am not a regular reader or subscriber to any particular blog writer, except maybe for Fr Ronald Rolheiser’s weekly blog which I often glean some inspiration from.  But he is a real writer – one who is not only published, but has also done it many times over with resounding success.  So, much of what I am about to share about this experience is something that comes from a personal and honest point of view. 

When I started this blog in August of 2009, I had no preconceived thought-out plan about how long it would last, and how deeply I would take my readers (if I had any).  It was very out of character for me, one who is far more accustomed to doing things with a clear cut blueprint, replete with plan Bs in case anything would no go according to plan.  It was a proverbial leap into the unknown, and when it began, I delighted in being able to use a medium which allowed me the opportunities to expand my reflections on life and see them through the lens of Sacred Scripture and Church teachings.  I purposefully did not want to be hemmed in by the Liturgical readings at Sunday’s Eucharistic celebrations because it would too easily narrow my horizon before me.  I took circumstances from life itself, and looking back at some of my earlier reflections, I smile quietly to myself that I was even willing to let simple things like slogans seen on a T-Shirt or a TV screen on a gym treadmill to be a segue to a reflection on how God can be speaking to us about life.

I don’t like to pat myself on my back.  It’s just bad taste and form on so many levels.  Perhaps that was why it was rather difficult to tell my readers last week that today may be the last entry of Reflections and Ruminations.  I wondered if it would be out of character for me to just fade into the silence of a blog page that no longer had any new entries, and let it die a somewhat natural death.  I wondered if blogs that ‘die’ this way go into some kind of blog cemetery in cyber-space.  No fanfare, no farewell.  Just a sudden and silent non-existence.

But I realized this would not give any sort of closure – not to my readers, and not to myself.  I needed some sort of assurance that this was not an action that was going to be met with disappointment or disagreement with whoever reads my musings.  I asked for prayers to make the right decision, and I received more than prayers.  I received almost 30 comments to the blog which I chose not to post because I didn’t want to put on display some of the ways that my readers were effusive of their gratitude for my years of writing.  Every single one of those comments and pleas to continue were taken seriously and brought to prayer.  I thank every one of you for taking the time and effort to write what you did.  I know many of you do not usually write comments and are the ‘silent’ type of readers.  You stepped out of what you are normally used to, to make sure that I was exposed to at least a little of your thoughts, your feelings and your heart and your mind.  Any writer who manages to elicit this from his readers without any coercion or compulsion on his part will treasure this kind of energy and affirmation.  I know I do.

This made it all the harder to make the decision of whether to stop my blog or to continue it into the unknown future. 

My rationale for my decision are based on several things.  The list is probably longer than what I am about to list, but these are the pertinent ones.

1.   I am a firm believer that gratitude must never be simply something that is expressed passively.  One does not and cannot sit in languid silence and just be grateful.  Gratitude has to have an active expression, especially demonstrated to the people who have shown goodness, kindness and appreciation. 

2.   My amazing and grace-filled recovery from my near death encounter with Leukemia more than two years ago was in part attributable to many of you who have prayed for me in your own ways.  Your outpouring of encouraging comments for my blog dated 25 February 2013 gave me that boost of confidence which told me that it was really not an issue that I was so sick and probably near death's door.  That I had so many people assuring me of their prayers and silent support was enough to allow me to see my hospital bed as a different kind of ambo from which I could give life to others despite my deteriorating condition.  And I am sure that it was because of your enthused and deep faith that Peter Mui of Chicago was found to be my perfect match to start me on the slow road to recovery.  Peter has even mentioned to me that it is truly amazing to realise that he could be the answer to so many peoples’ prayers.  Our journey (mine and Peter’s) has been life-changing in so many ways - literally and metaphorically.

3.   I have always believed and taught that the grace of God is what gives us life and sustains us.  I may be running on dry (or think that I am), getting into what some call the “writers’ block”.  Could it be that I am a tad afraid to truly rely on God’s grace to see me through this dry spell?  Perhaps this is the time when I put my ‘faith where my mouth is’ and dare to make that step once more into the unknown and allow that belt to be put around me and to lead me to where I would rather not go on my own? 

4.   I don’t like to appraise myself for so many reasons.  One would be bumptious and filled with hubris to name one’s talents and gifts.  The 30-odd comments that came in to last week’s entry were lyrical in their compliments of my writing skills.  I know that I have said that keeping one’s gifts under wraps and under utilized is akin to being ungrateful to the giver of the gift.  Many of you have assured me that I do have some writing skills, and I report this with much reticence and humble reserve.  If I apply what I preach to myself, then stopping this blog at this point would be akin to putting this ‘skill’ under a tub.  However, I do apologise for my occasional verbiage and seek your indulgence.  I have never gone to any writing school, and only have the books that I read as my constant teachers and guide.

5.   Finally, and perhaps the most pertinent rationale for this option to be taken, is that my weekly ponderings on the spiritual life and its seeming vagaries do seem to serve a purpose and fulfil a need in the lives of people.  This reason alone should be good enough for one to make an act or a deed something that is not short lived but sustained and regular.  I have always maintained that prayer has to be continual and not sporadically given over to in life, because it fulfils a need inside the human heart in a positive and nurturing way.  So many of the comments that came in last week revealed something about my posts.  They seem to have been given the permission and privilege to touch the lives and hearts of those who do take time to stop by and read, if but for only 5 minutes a week.  I am not sure if 5 minutes of a person's cyber time is long, but if this time is another person's sacred 'walk' with God because of my reflections, my work does not only fill a need but makes space in another person's heart and life for God to enter.  

I suppose that after ploughing through these thoughts of mine thus far, you my reader can surmise the course of action that I have decided on.  I referred to a feeling of trepidation at the beginning of today’s blog, and 300 blogs ago, I leapt into the unknown and started the blog despite the fear of falling flat on my face.  I hope to be able, with your continued prayers, faith and support, to make a new and dedicated leap into a continued attempt to give you the weekly spiritual fodder which I was privileged to do so for the past 6 years.  I just pray for God's inspiration to write with care and a renewed purpose each time I do so, and humbly ask that you do this with me.

Thank you for your vote of confidence, and your valuable feedback.  May God use this simple instrument of His to reach out to hearts that are willing to be shaped and touched by his continued, amazing grace.  I chose the title of today's blog "300 - looking back with gratitude".  Perhaps now that I have decided to continue this in some way, I should change the title to "300 - looking back with gratitude and looking forward with hope".

Your comments will be faithfully posted from this week on.