Daring to ask 'why'?

Sometimes the things that we learn from academic studies and for those of us who had been in the seminary, the courses that we had learnt from spirituality and pastoral courses can somewhat put us in a disadvantage from truly getting in touch with the reality of suffering and the Cross.  I have to admit that personally, from the time I was diagnosed with Leukemia in February, I may have mistakenly rushed through the five stages of grief just because I had intellectually known about them and read about them, and through the encounters of others who have suffered, decided in a silent way to simply accept the situation and be strong about it.  God apparently, had his ways to show that the Cross and suffering is something that we can’t work at on our own.  I can’t pull myself up by my own bootstraps no matter how I may hope to do it.

I have realized that I also need to allow myself to ask that difficult but unanswered question of ‘why’?  I hadn’t allowed myself this very important but necessary question in my illness, perhaps because I knew that at the bottom of it all, there are very little meaningful answers that will satisfy and give that peace that so many people seek when facing the various kinds of pains and struggles that we meet in life. 

The thing about living with and dealing with a blood cancer is that there is a pain that isn’t often physical.  It’s a very long road to recovery as if one is running not just a marathon but an ironman race, with sometimes life-threatening ‘bombs’ that feature along the long journey – a bit like what happened in the Boston Marathon.  In the past two weeks, I happened to hit such a ‘bomb’ situation that reminded me that this entire recovery journey was not going to to be anything easy.  I was stricken with what is known as an idiopathic pneumonia, which for a blood cancer patient like me with fluctuating blood counts, can be something truly lethal.  For two weeks I was in hospital, terribly weakened and subject to constant doses of a powerful antibiotic till the pneumonia cleared.  I am very blessed to have come out of the woods, and I am sure it is thanks to the prayers of so many people from around the world, and the professionalism of the doctors who cared for me medically.

But it was in the dark and lonely days in the hospital this time that I really dared to ask that difficult question – ‘why’?  I found myself getting strangely emotional very often when this question was pondered.  It took me almost ten months to dare to ask that question and I realized that it is not only necessary but also spiritually healthy.  Scripture has always told us to look for the face of God in our suffering, and I know that many people who suffer in so many ways are always asking God to show his face to them.  They want answers to why their lives had been so interrupted from their dreams and plans because of a suffering that had been untimely introduced.  People have all sorts of wonderful plans and hopes for life, and a suffering that jams these plans cause all sorts of anguish and perhaps even confusion about God. 

I have only recently been open enough to myself to ask myself why at age 48 I have been afflicted with this debilitating illness.  I had plans for my theological future, and so had the diocese by sending me away to get that Licentiate to be useful to the Church in Singapore.  I was always advocating a healthy lifestyle as a priest and lived a very consistent lifestyle that included healthy diet and exercise.  But I have now come to see that we can plan, we can have hopes and we can have our lives somehow mapped out well by those in charge of us, but ultimately, we need to submit humbly to the Lord who has his ways. 

There is nothing that is really embarrassing or shameful in daring in asking that question ‘why’?  I will always recall that when I was first diagnosed with Leukemia, a good priest friend told me not to rush into being gung-ho about the suffering that I am to go through.  I could not understand at that time why he was being so forthright with me, seeing that I was about to enter a long road to Calvary.  Now I can see his wisdom. 

The pain of suffering became very real to me when I got discharged from the hospital this time round.  I physically fell twice in a night and was totally disoriented from my fall first in the bathroom and then in the bedroom where I found myself at the foot of the bed, not knowing how I landed there, with bruises all over by body.  The sleeping medication combined with the steroids that I have been administered to overcome my pneumonia proved to be something that weakened me in the night and just going to the bathroom to relieve myself was such a harrowing experience.  I had not encountered a physical pain in my illness so far, even with the many Chemotherapy and transplant experiences, and these falls brought home to me that there is a physical suffering that I have to undergo as part of the mystery of suffering. 

Do you find yourself asking that ‘why’ question about life’s suffering?  You may not (and usually you wont’) find the answers you are looking for.  But make no mistake about it – it is a necessary question that broadens our spiritual horizons to allow God to show us his face.