Reset at 200 - what a joyful and blessed irony

Undoubtedly, what marks out a Christian’s life as a Christian is when he or she is able to mirror in small and large ways the Passion, Death and Resurrection of Christ.  Throughout our rich Christian history and heritage, being able to live out this kind of life as close to that of Our Lord in various dimensions of life had been the template of what differentiates an ordinary Christian from the Christ-follower par excellence, the cannonized Saint.  But much as some of us may have this wonderful and loving desire to truly follow the Lord by our lives, it will not be granted if not by the grace of God.  In short, no one gets to heaven by pulling his or her own bootstraps. 

It is when desire, passion and love are combined with the grace of God that something more than amazing happens.  We will realise that at an early point in time of our lives as dedicated Christians, there was a lot of ‘me’ in the dream.  But that is ok, because like almost everything from marriage to even the priesthood, we all have to purify our motives.  No one, I am absolutely certain, enters into something that requires a lifelong commitment with one set of emotions, dreams, hopes, and desires, and after a long time, has left these all unchanged, unchallenged, and wanting the bar set higher out of love. 

The pensiveness that is evident in today’s blog entry comes about due to a few factors that have seem to coalesce at a strange point in time in my life.  As some of you may know by now, the doctors who have taken such good care of me during my arduous stem-cell transplant ordeal deemed me healthy enough to be discharged from my 28 day confined hospital stay.  They want me to continue my recuperation in the comforts and love of home and family, though I have many more out-patient follow up visits to the doctor each week to monitor any infections or viri that could weaken my immunity at any time.  I am well aware that this ‘short’ time of 28 days is considered very quick, and it was largely due to God’s grace, and the faith of a large community that has been praying for me. 

As I lay so tired and exhausted from even small movements like walking from one part of the apartment to another, or even sitting at table for a meal of a small handful of food, I cannot help but realise that I have had a major ‘reset’ in life with the engraftment of the stem-cells in my marrow.  It is a very real experience of a ‘new life’, a ‘being born anew’, a ‘resuscitation’ that is as close to a resurrection that I could ever experience in this life.  In so many ways, I have become like a newborn all over again.  I eat at the speed of a toddler, I cannot quite taste my food, small simple tasks leave be panting and needing to sit and rest, I am bald as a babe, and I need to take small naps throughout the day.  This entire event has required of me to really slow down so much and to look at life from a new angle, very often one that is richly layered now with a new compassion, less haste, much less judgment, more patience, and a new heart of charity. 

But if we really think about it, should not these be also the notes that mark out each newly Baptised follower of Christ?  After truly accepting Christ as Lord and Saviour, as the neophyte steps out of the waters of new life and is ‘re-created’ in Christ, should not he or she also have a new vista from which to tend to each moment in life, now no longer just with the old eyes of the world, but from then on, through the lens and life of Christ?  Where each moral, ethical, social and political decision is viewed with a new dimension?  It is not something that is going to be automatic – each baptized person needs to learn in small, and sometimes painful steps, learning how to ‘taste’ life with new Christ-like taste-buds and applying Christian sensitivities with that touch of charity and love, in a prayerful dimension.  Perhaps this is not emphasized enough to the about-to-be Neophytes about the reality of true Christian living, and that is why many simply go about living post-baptism, in the same way that life was pre-baptism.  Christ in yesterday’s gospel passage had that deep desire that the world be on fire with the baptism that he had to go through.  It made full sense to me when I contemplated on this, but at the same time, I also see how God is so patient when it comes to one’s true and lasting conversion in life.  And if God is so patient, so too must we with those who are slow to truly ‘get’ what living the Christian life is at its core.  Some lessons just take a longer time to sink in.

In my days of younger innocence, I recall being read those heroic stories of how the Church martyrs bravely died to defend the faith, and how the glories of heaven awaited such courage borne of faith.  Silently in my heart and head, I would imagine how I would want to be able to imitate such an ardent love of Christ, without really thinking about how they really felt at that point in time of their torturous death and suffering.  But admittedly, I was much, much younger then and dreaming and fantasizing were not only allowed but encouraged, and played an important part of my young Christian childhood, especially when our teachers and some Christian Brothers would regale us with stories about these faith heroes.  Maybe we really should heed the old adage that we ‘beware what we wish for’!

In some ways, with my illness and the subsequent transplant and the struggle in the darkness to wait for the engraftment to take place, the ‘dream’ has become a reality.  Part of me had died with those mega doses of total body irradiation and conditioning Chemotherapy prior to receiving the donor’s stem-cells.  I was graced to go through the long period of time where all those complicated side effects set in which allowed me to share in some small way the suffering and passion of Christ.  And now, I live to be able to see each so much in a new light – a new light of gratitude, of thanksgiving, of charity, and of Christian hope. 

I hope I am clear about today’s blog.  It is not about me.  It is about inviting all my readers to still continue to want to live the Christian dream of imitating Christ in the various dimensions of life.  This ‘gift’ can come in so many different ways, but I noticed that often, it comes in and through a situation that somehow forces one to ‘stop and smell the roses’ of life.  I share my story in this concrete way because some of you have been wondering why I have been plagued with this illness.  Your faith may have been shaken.  I hope it does the opposite – that it will strengthen your belief that God works in and through different situations that are hidden blessings.  This is not a plague, not a curse, but in some strange way, a very rich and also hidden but deep blessing. 

It is also ironic that this blog entry is a milestone for me.  If you have been reading and following my blog from the day I started way back on October 9^th, 2009, you will realise that this is my 200^th blog entry.  For me, it is a celebration in more ways than one.  God has given me the grace to be able to faithfully and consistently write an essay a week for 200 weeks, with hardly a repetition in theme or content.  I have so much to be grateful for in my slow but steadily growing readership, some of whom are from parts of the world where I have never ever been to.  Many have told me how my ponderings on life and faith have moved and touched them, drawing them closer to loving God and a stronger faith.  This is only possible because God is good.  My blog site-meter counter tells me that this page gets about 3600 page view per week, and I am encouraged to ask for the grace to be able to continue this web ministry despite my weakened state.  I know it is nothing close to web sites which win awards and get sponsors, enabling them to make some money through their writings, but that is far from my aim.  My slowly growing readership tells me that there are people out there who are yearning for truth, for meaning and for life.  But many go to the wrong places to look for the answers, or to places which only give temporary distracted relief.  I only have one aim in writing this blog, and that is to be instrumental for others to get to know, to love and to accept Jesus as Lord and Saviour.  Everything else, as they say, is commentary. 

So, my dear readers, do keep those comments coming in.  I am encouraged every time I get a response to my thoughts, and I do realise that some of you have stopped commenting for a long while.  Indeed we lead busy lives, but reading this page is also a spiritual moment that you dedicate to God.  Each comment tells me that you are thinking and reflecting deeply on what I am sharing, and that it is affecting you in some way.  It keeps my blogging desire alive and I am assured that I am not just writing to a ‘blank’ audience.  You are, each of you, a treasure of God, and there is so much potential in you to be co-builders of his Kingdom. 

Happy 200^th everyone,  and God love you.