Understanding chastity and celibacy, and the power of this gift.

This blog post first appeared as a contributed article in the Catholic News (Oct 14, 2018 edition).  I’ve since added one paragraph to the article pertaining to chastity within marriage, expanding my reflection.

There is a very prevalent but very weak appreciation of chastity and its close cousin, celibacy.  And I say this not just in reference to the laity, but sadly, also in reference to the many religious and clerics who have taken the vow of celibacy for life.  Just as a strong and deep understanding of chastity as the Church teaches can lead to one being generous, selfless and giving in many ways, the very opposite, which is a weak and shallow understanding and appreciation of it can lead to its antithesis – where one is stingy, calculative, selfish and inward looking, and fearful (which is the antithesis of loving).

The world has been scandalized ad nauseam by the horrendous revelations of the reports of how religious, clerics and some bishops have lived double lives and had been involved in many cases of sexual misconduct in various dioceses all over the world, leaving many to ask how could men (and even women) who have pledged a life-long commitment to chastity succumb to such a depraved pit in their conduct of their moral lives?  Did they not have a conscience that was speaking volumes to their hearts?  How could they fall in this way, and in such staggering numbers?  

The answer surely cannot be a facile one.  However, it cannot be denied that one of the strongest reasons would have to be that there was a very simplistic and insufficient appreciation of what chastity was, and the great potential that it can have for the world when one embraces it with the mind of the Church.

Whether one is secular (read worldly) or whether one is religious, living a chaste life is not something that is easy and readily welcome.  Why? Because in our DNA as human beings, we are wired for Godliness.  God’s divine attributes are that of being life-giver and creator, and in our sexuality lies the germ of this attribute.  God, as Genesis tells us, made us in his image, and as such, our sexuality has inside of it, an aspect of godliness that God has shared with us.  

Sexuality isn’t a bad or dirty thing, despite what many may think.  It is truly a beautiful and precious gift from God to us.  If it weren’t a powerful energy inside every human person, the human race would not be populating the world the way it does.  

Having said that, when one accepts the call to live chastely and be celibate for life, it is not that one is praying that he or she be somehow neutered and asexual.  It is not a call to not love oneself.  But one will not love oneself if one doesn’t first endeavor to love God first.  If we don’t nurture a pure love of God, we will only end up loving ourselves, and in the wrong ways.  

How then ought one to broach chastity and celibacy?  It has a lot to do with purity of heart.  It’s interesting to note that nowhere in the Gospels do we see Jesus teaching his disciples to be celibate and chaste.  But he does instruct them on the great need to live with a purity of heart.  Having a heart that is pure is what makes one able to ‘be holy as God is holy’, and to be ‘perfect as God is perfect’.  

How does God love?  He loves the very being of the person.  He doesn’t allow the actions or the words of the person blur or stymie his intention to love.  Our love for others, unfortunately, is very often predicated on the recipient’s kind and positive actions, demeanor, tone of voice, physical appearance, etc.  The more the other person doesn’t meet with our expectations, the less we are likely to love him or her.  That’s not the way God loves.  Because God’s love is pure, he is able to love despite one not being ‘loveable’ according to our standards.  To be pure of heart then is to want to love as God loves, and to see others as God sees them.  In this way, we will also love them for their sake, and not ours.  A misuse of this will be when we use others for our sake, and this is where impure intentions and impure hearts lead to impure actions.

Chastity and celibacy when healthily understood and lived out cannot but result in a person who is outward looking and life-giving in many ways.  A person who taps on this grace-energy doesn’t become less energetic and lethargic, but truly full of vigour and is able to channel his or her energies in a proper and respectful way.  

Chastity must not be limited and restricted to those who are celibate.  Many people have the wrong notion that chastity has no place in married life.  When chastity is observed and respected in married life, spouses will not be taking each other for granted, and use one another for their own ends and purposes. A chaste married life is not a sexless married life.  Neither is it an oxymoron.  It is characterized by a marriage where the spouses do not objectify each other, and intimacy isn’t something that is ‘on demand’. This is when intimacy in married life can truly be a holy celebration that it is, especially when a sacrifice is required on the part of one of the spouses.

Understanding this still doesn’t make chastity and celibacy easy by any means.  It will always be something that sees one pushing against the goad, but it then becomes absolutely necessary that one constantly seek God’s grace to be chaste in all aspects of life – to have chaste hopes, chaste dreams (both day and night dreams), chaste desires, and above all, chaste intentions. Indeed then, blessed will they be – those who are pure of heart.  

There is a great need for careful discernment when choosing godparents.

In the Catholic tradition, there has always been the need for a godparent to be specially chosen for the newly baptized.  The role of the godparent is deemed necessary for every person who is entering the faith, and this is not dispensed even for one who is baptized on his or her deathbed.  

In the infancy years of the Church after the resurrection and ascension of Jesus, the embryonic church faced plenty of persecution.  The initial converts were almost always adults who had the guidance of a sponsor in their formation.  But later on, it was quite normal for newborn infants of Christian parents be baptized, and not just adults.  The godparents were people who assisted the parents in the development of their Catholic faith.  This role is still primary and pivotal for godparents now as it was before. Certainly, most parishes have catechism classes for children, forming their faith until they reach Confirmation age, but these classes only have the children being taught about 40 hours a year. These classes at best only scratch the surface of what needs much more unpacking, discussing and sharing.  This is where the godparent/s are required to step in and supplement in the very important area of journeying personally with their charges.

In many of the baptism preparation sessions that I have conducted for parents and godparents before the Rite of Baptism, I have noticed that there has been a trend that has been somewhat passed down from former generations – that of appointing relatives like aunts and uncles to be the godparents of the children.  I can understand the sentiments behind this. But what isn’t often discerned is whether these relations can actually fulfill the role of forming the faith of their godchildren.  Sentimentality alone cannot be the criteria of this important choice.  

The people that parents choose need to be people who are first and foremost practicing Catholics who are clear about the doctrines and teachings of the faith.  While it may be somewhat romantic to have Aunt Geraldine for a godma as she is the mother’s sister or BFF, it is far more important that Aunt Geraldine was chosen or asked to be godma because she is articulate about her faith, clear about Catholic doctrine and won’t lead the child astray to paganism or superstitious practices that ignore the Church’s teachings.  In other words, in the eyes of the parents, Aunt Geraldine is the model Catholic.  Sentimentality unfortunately, isn’t what being a model Catholic is about.

As far as the Church’s instructions are concerned, the requirements for being a godparent are actually very basic – that they must themselves be Confirmed Catholics who are 18 years of age or older, and be in good standing with the Church.  I am sure that many people can name many in the Church circles who fulfill these two requirements, but the parents need to go much further in their discernment before approaching potential godparents.  

It takes a village to raise a child

For us Catholics, we need to be clear, right off the bat, that no man is an island.  We are a community of believers, made up of different individuals who are members of the Body of Christ, who are part of the Communion of Saints.  Just as it takes a village to raise a child, so too does it take a spiritual village to raise a saint.  Growing and maturing in the faith-life isn’t something that is attained by oneself. Certainly, the Catholic parents (or the one Catholic parent when the other parent isn’t a baptized Christian) bears a very large part of the responsibility to ensure that as the child grows physically, his or her growth in her faith doesn’t lag far behind.  It is this part of the growth of the faith life of the child where the godparent/s helps the parents by carrying out this co-responsibility.  

Being physically present in the life of the godchild

At milestone events of the godchild, like at their First Holy Communion, their Confirmation later on, and at their marriage much later on, the presence of the godparent is expected. But the time that is in between these milestone events are just as, if not, more important.  Regular interaction with the child prevents any awkwardness of just showing up at those events.  I often recommend that godparents go to Sunday Mass once a month with their godchildren and their families to foster this familiarity between godchild and godparent.  

This familiarity helps to create a trust where later on, in the child’s life, he or she knows that the godparent can be the one to turn to when facing situations that may be deemed either sensitive or awkward to broach with one’s parents.  As well, the parents will be able to take comfort that their child is properly guided in life when they seek the counsel of their godparents, someone whom the parents are familiar with, and who was specially chosen to do this very task – giving guidance to their child.  For this reason, I would discourage parents from asking friends or relatives who live overseas to be the godparents of their children, as their physical distance does prevent this familiarity from developing.  As much as FaceTime and Skype can bring people together despite being physically separated by thousands of kilometers, there are limitations to what technology can do.

I do empathize with Catholic parents who face this challenge of asking the right people who are effective and exemplary Catholics to be the godparents to their children.  And if the parents themselves are not people who interact with other Catholics in the parish or similar settings, it makes this doubly challenging.  How would they even begin to start looking for people who are such exemplary Catholics, and would they be amenable to welcome a member of their new Catholic family by asking someone whom they are not familiar with?  Highly unlikely.  Catholics who live privatized faiths with little or no interaction with fellow Catholics will always face this dilemma, and often will end up settling for Uncle Bob for mere sentimental reasons, and he will probably only end up being a nominal godparent.

When should parents start discerning?

Many parents scuttle around for godparents only after their child is born, perhaps a few weeks before the baptism date.  That, in my opinion, is akin to last-minute shopping.  No one buys good and thoughtful gifts when one does that.  

The irony is that many parents do so many other things to prepare for their baby’s arrival months before they are born – doing up the nursery, getting baby things like prams, walkers, clothes, and yes, even planning their child’s education savings plan with financial planners. But if one is clear that the most important future for their child is their child’s eternal life and their child’s relationship with God, planning for and praying for the godparents of the child need to go hand-in-hand, alongside the planning for these other things. 

The life of our children cannot only be limited to his or her time on this earth.  We are made by God and for God, and the children that we have are not really ours.  They are ‘on loan’ to us by God, who deems in his divine plan that we are the best parents for these lives.  The best thing that we can do for them isn’t material.  The best thing that we can ever do for them is to give them the needed preparation for what awaits them after this life is over, and doing this will also ensure that the life now is well lived as well.

Is there a good side to life’s challenges and hardships? The Christian life believes so, and that is Christianity’s good news.

No one in the right frame of mind will seek difficulty for its own sake.  Unless one has some form of masochistic streak, it is very normal for one to avoid pain, anxieties and general badness in life.  For the most part, human beings long for and seek a life that has as little strife and hardships as possible, and this isn’t bad in itself. However, there is also a need to acknowledge two realities – firstly, that a life that is aimed at having as little strife and resistance as possible will only make one a very weakened form of one’s fullest potential.  Philosopher Charles Taylor coined the term ‘the buffered self’ to describe how moderns (that’s a term referring to people living in the present era) are only interested in the empirical and scientifically provable, and have denied the existence of the transcendent and supernatural.  

When one is a ‘buffered self’, it is also most likely that one will also seek to live a life that pushes from one as far as possible any and all forms of suffering.  It will be the ‘happiness principle’ or the ‘pleasure principle’ that moves and motivates one to choose the options open to oneself, and oftentimes, this results in one having some sort of crisis or meltdown when things are not turning up roses in life.  

The other reality that we need to acknowledge is this – that no one human being is exempt from encountering pain, suffering and affliction.  No one, not even the one who was conceived without original sin, had a pass when it came to suffering and sorrow.  We see this clearly in the Gospels when Mary met Simeon at the Temple, when she brought Jesus to the Temple eight days after he was born, and this elderly holy man prophesied how a sword would pierce Mary’s heart.  Catholics believe that Mary was conceived sinless.  That this sinless human being was not spared suffering and pain is clear indication that suffering and affliction are a part of our human DNA.  

If this is so, then it has to beg the question of how one should be facing these challenges and hardships that are an inevitable part of life.  The reality is that we do not have all that many options available to us.  

We could just take the easiest and perhaps most common option, which is to run away from them.  Variations of running away can be in distractions, amusements and even addictions.  These may have the ability to temporarily cause us to forget the pains and afflictions that we are facing.  But we know that once the dazzling lights, throbbing music, and the drunken stupor wear off, one cannot but be forced to face the reality that one faces, with the problems very much unchanged and unaffected.

A second option is the ‘blame’ option, where we erroneously believe that someone outside of ourselves is the cause of our strife and sadness in life.  This often results in one harbouring a deep sense of hostility and ill will in us.  We can end up having a lot of self-righteousness in us because we have exonerated ourselves from any contribution that we may have made to have this suffering in our lives.  A further harm that this does is that it can easily foster a breaking down of the community because the blamer won’t often keep this contempt and animosity to himself, but will find himself telling others about this.  It really does make the phrase ‘misery loves company’ come to life, albeit in a bad way.

There is one option that Christians ought to always bear in mind when faced with struggles such as suffering and other forms of badness in life.  This will entail one to believe that there is a good side to such badness. 

To come to this belief, it is first of all necessary to believe that we do not have exclusive ownership of our lives, our resources, and our time.  When we think that we have exclusive ownership of our lives, we easily end up shutting ourselves in the narrow confines of our programs, plans and our thinking.  If we are open to believing that our lives are not our own, we get out of a narrow-mindedness that entraps so many of us.  

The Christian needs to be brave and courageous to enter into God’s wisdom, which is a life that is much more beautiful and fruitful than a life that we have absolute control over.  

Mature Christian living will always invite one to live with a sense of abandonment to a plan that is higher that one can imagine, and this could well include living a life that has may challenges and trials.  Many find themselves only asking God “why?” when we are faced with things like disappointments, failures, cancer prognoses and betrayals, and don’t make it to the next but more important question.

What is this question?  It is this – “God, how do you want me to grow and be strengthened and reach a greater level of maturity through this trial I am facing?”  Another question would be “God, how are you asking me to purify my love for you through this challenge I am currently facing?”  Only when we dare to ask these deeper and more loving questions will we see that badness does have a good side to it.  

There is no ‘try’ in the Act of Contrition. And there is a very sound reason why.

I have been hearing confessions for the past 17 years of being a Catholic priest, and I have noticed something that happens frequently in the penitents and the way that they pray the Act of Contrition.  Very often, they add the word ‘try’ at the last part of this prayer, and this does affect the ways that the penitent lives in his restored state of Sanctifying Grace which he received as a result of the confession that was just made.  

For the benefit of non-Catholic readers, perhaps a bit of explanation would help you to understand the context of this reflection.  At every celebration of the Sacrament of Reconciliation or confession, after all the sins have been told to the priest confessor, there is some counsel or advice given to the penitent, at the end of which the penitent is required to pray what is called the Act of Contrition or Act of Sorrow.  

There are different variations to this prayer, and one very common one has the penitent saying “O my God, I am sorry for having offended you.  Because you are so good, and with the help of your grace, I will not sin again”.  The other versions are essentially variations of this but the content is always the same in that there is sorrow or contrition expressed, there is a plea for God’s help in terms of being responsive to his grace, and there is a firm commitment to not sin in the future.  In none of the versions of this prayer is there the word ‘try’ where the penitent says that he will try to not sin again.  Yet, many penitents have inserted it right there where it doesn’t belong. 

 

To non-Star Wars geeks, the above picture features Yoda, the Jedi Grand Master who trains his protege Luke Skywalker in the ways of The Force, and stresses the imperative to 'do' which is strong, rather than 'try', which is weak.

It does seem rather trivial, you may think.  After all, it is just a little word, made up of three letters.  “Surely God wouldn’t mind or take any offence!” you may say.  What’s the big deal?  Am I trying to create a storm in a teacup by writing a whole blog centered on the added use of one small word?  On the surface, it may appear to be so, but I hope that by the end of this read, you will experience a light bulb moment.

Our Christian doctrine has always stressed the power and necessity of God’s grace.  It is his love, his energy and his power that makes all things possible.  As Christians, we believe strongly in the primacy of grace, where it is God’s initial movement of love that creates anything and makes anything possible.  It is by God’s grace that he has created out of nothing, and it is by God’s grace that we are made.  It is by God’s grace that we receive his love, and it is ultimately by God’s grace that we sinners have the undeserved mercy of God which accords us the promise of heaven for eternity after our life on this earth ends. Why Mary is so esteemed in our Catholic belief is because we see in scripture that she is hailed by the angel Gabriel as one who is ‘full of grace’, a human being who has the plenitude of God’s love and grace.

Powerful as God’s grace is, God does desire for our cooperation with it in our lives. The fuller we are in this cooperation with grace, the more fruitful our lives will be.  A person who cooperates with great love and effort with God’s grace will result in a life that bears the fruit of holiness, greater charity, zeal, patience, forgiveness, peace, joy and love for God and for one’s fellowman in great amounts.  Mary, who cooperated most fully with God’s grace could live so perfectly a human life because of her full cooperation at every point in her life.  

It then naturally follows that a person who doesn’t put in much effort in cooperating with God’s grace will naturally therefore not bear much in terms of fruitfulness.  His or her ‘state of grace’ will slowly be diminished as the days post-confession go by. What does a cooperating soul look like? It is one which has a great desire for holiness and sanctification.  It has a heart that is grounded in humility and seeks what God’s desires and wills, and it has one eye always cast on the sights on heaven and its eternal promises. At the same time, it is also one that isn’t just lost on these lofty thoughts alone.  It is one that is grounded very much in making great effort to love God concretely by living a righteous life, loving the people that God loves (which means all people), and not loving what God does not love (all sins and disordered inclinations).  These are all the ways that one cooperates with God’s grace.  When one fully cooperates with God’s grace on offer, one can live a holy and sanctified life.  This is the truth that the Church teaches.  One reason why many habitual sinners find themselves stuck in their habits despite frequent confession is because of a lack of effort put in cooperating with God’s grace, especially in moments of weakness and temptation.

Understanding this, we begin to see how nefarious and injurious it is when we inadvertently slip in the word ‘try’ when we make the Act of Contrition or Sorrow. We are saying that with the help of God’s grace, at best, we can only try to reach holiness.  The adding of this word weakens (and even insults) very much the power of God’s grace, and at the same time shows a great lack of desire in us to want to cooperate with God’s grace in our lives.  I am saying that I will only be half-hearted, unenthusiastic and lackluster in my efforts at holiness post-confession.  Omit the word try, and it changes the entire intention of the prayer.  It shows the great trust and confidence in the power of God’s grace and the great possibility of living a holy life when I not just try, but actually make it a point to be conscious of every moment to give my life over to God’s grace working in me. It shows that I will henceforth have a steely resolve to cooperate willingly and with great love with God.  The word ‘try’ unconsciously added to the prayer undermines greatly a soul’s potential greatness, and at the same time undermines the power of God’s grace.  In the church’s formulation of all the versions of the Act of Contrition, there is always a clear indication of a firm intention and a resolution for holiness. The word ‘try’ does weaken one’s resolve.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?  Only if our prayers that we pray are mere words that we form with our lips and have nothing to do with our hearts and inner disposition.  But if the aim of prayer is loving God and through that, having our lives moulded and shaped into the best versions of ourselves, then no.