When walking each day doesn't come without pain and suffering

A blog reflection of mine prior to an important surgery

While I know that any reader of this blog page of mine expects an entry submitted by me to be something that would inspire readership and that it should be something that is positive in its outlook in life, I do realise that this expectation exceeds the reality of my daily living in these days of mine that see me living toward the needed placement of two PEEK plates (which are polyetheretherketone) high-performance semi-crystalline engineering thermoplastic with outstanding chemical resistance, very low moisture uptake, good fire performance and excellent mechanical strength across a broad temperature range with good multi dimensional stability.  My neurosurgeons tending to my skull are trusted in getting the best materials to piece back together my skull which they operated on after my accident that happened on 24 May this year.

After the surgery to remove the two portions of my skull, I had to move temporarily into my mother’s residence to be tended to by her employed housekeeper.  There was little or no way I could survive on my own if I moved back to my priestly residence where I was living alone and there was no helper to provide me assistance which I need.  During the time I was recuperating from the first surgery, I had to go back to the hospital regularly to be treated by a physiotherapist doctor and his team to bring me back to my former fitness level, and when I was at home, I was to try to repeat the taught exercises so that I could gain the strength which I somehow lost with the accident.  

During this time, I developed an Upper Respiratory Tract Infection where I was coughing repeatedly, and the doctors in the hospital was told about this.  This caused them to worry since a patient undergoing serious surgery with this condition could easily come out of it with added problems breathing, and it was in the light of the present serious COVID situation that they are deciding to move the surgery from the initially planned October dates into the start of November.  Each day I am living with a tinge of melancholy and regret that this incident had happened to me when I was out trying to sustain my strength by a simple exercise like taking a brisk walk outside of the parish church I was living in.  Thank God the parish priest was kind enough to replace me that morning as the celebrant of the morning Eucharist, and he had to explain to the parishioners why I was missing at the Mass where I should have been the celebrant.  I am grateful to Fr Paul Ngo from the depths of my heart for being so kind and generous, who even up to this day, shows me support and friendship even though I am unable to be at the parish as I am officially on medical leave until my second surgery is completed.

It is without fail that each day I am feeling somewhat empty inside.  A priest isn’t ordained to just sit at home trying to get by the days unproductively till his needed surgery comes.  I do pray each day, and am incessantly offering up rosary recitations where I am praying for the many who are in need of prayerful support.  I know that many of my parishioners and friends have been praying for me, and this is why I am sustained so well despite the apparently unproductive life I am leading right now.  Many friends have tried to reach me by messages on the phone asking me how I am feeling, and honestly, I find it very challenging to be honest to say that each day toward the surgery is a trial on my patience.  All I often say is that I am doing well and that I am praying each day for them, and they are grateful for this.  But I do know that they too are praying for me, and I use the opportunity to thank them profoundly for their selflessness and generosity of heart.

Is it wrong to feel somewhat despondent with life the way I feel?  I read about many who have struggles in life, but they either don’t feel despondent or are constantly upbeat about life despite what life is giving them.  I must admit that sometimes when I read these reflections, I feel a tinge of regret and sadness that my own life isn’t as positive and upbeat as theirs.  Perhaps they have not gotten in touch with their inner spiritual life and it could be that they do not allow themselves to feel negative about what life is giving them.  I have given up asking God why I have to go through this struggle on my own.  Perhaps it is part of the prayer  in the Lord’s prayer where we pray not to be put to the test by God.  I do realise that all we have in life is given us by God, and not all that we receive from him are things that are outstandingly positive.  This situation that I am in is one such situation, and I need to constantly remind myself to thank God for each day.  While it is a challenge to live so positively, I do know that in the long run, it will benefit me and heighten my spirituality.

If you who are reading this is hearing this personal reflection for the first time, I apologise if it has disappointed you.  I have benefitted from your sustained prayers for me all this while, and I humbly ask that you could continue to pray as you did.  This blog reflection was not meant to be a disappointment, but an honest revelation of how I am feeling each day inside of me.  Hopefully, as the days toward the surgery move on, my approach toward life will change for the better.

Know that as each day passes, I will be offering up rosaries for the many who have been praying incessantly for me, as well as those who have not been doing so.  Everyone stands to benefit from prayers and acts of sacrifices offered up to God on their behalf.  And for those of you who are suffering from COVID, I pray that the medications you have been prescribed will help you to recover soon and that you will be springing back to life with your family members in good time.

                                                     When the days move so slowly                                                                                                                                    

                                                A blog reflection before my skull surgery

It was meant to happen sometime in September this year, but with the COVID pandemic in a rather uncontrolled way that is happening in our city of Singapore, my surgeons have decided to move the surgery into 2 November instead.  Of course, part of the reason they want to move it is because I have developed an Upper Respiratory Tract Infection in the past few weeks and they are wary that this could complicate matters in my post surgery recovery, whether it is in the hospital or when I am moved back into my mother’s residence.  The doctors held an informative interview with me to find out more details about my coughing from the infection and they decided (with consultation with the senior surgeons at the hospital) that it would be best for me to have successfully emerged from the infection before the prolonged surgery to my cranial section of my head.  I am grateful for this decision though there is admittedly a part of me that wishes that I don’t have to wait until November to come before I can check in to the hospital for the needed surgery.  Right now, the PEEK plates have yet to arrive from Switzerland for my surgery, and there really is no point to rush things.  

It is for this reason that each day before November sees me sitting around in the home where mum lives, and I am often finding myself pondering what I could do to make the time go by quicker and with some degree of productivity.  The writing of this blog on an almost weekly basis does fill my mind, but I do wonder what it is that I can write about that shows that I am using my creativity in a good way.  A good blog that has some structure and form would reveal that I am using my brain in a creative and positive way, and I do pray about what I could write about that will hold the interest of my readers throughout the world.  Apparently so far, the writing has been positive and people from all over the world have reached out to me to thank me for my writing efforts, and I find that I am using the time in a positive way when I am putting together a script for this blog.  I hope that today’s blog is a positive experience for all.

Every day, I occupy my time with prayer, and use it to meditate on the mysteries of the Rosary and its many different joyful, sorrowful, glorious and luminous mysteries.  Each one of them has at least five different aspects of the life of either Mary or Jesus, and they help me in offering up my own sufferings for the benefit of so many in the world who are going through a tough time with the COVID situation - not just here in Singapore, but in so many other countries all over the world.  I keep thinking of the many friends I have who are going through a challenging time in their lives in various ways, and this makes my prayer so meaningful and rich.  I enjoy telling them in messages that I had prayed for them in my daily prayer and their reaction is always so positive and grateful.  I will continue to do this each day before the surgery happens in November.

Each day I celebrate the Eucharist in my mother’s home and I invite her to the Mass.  I spend some part of each day writing my homily script for the next day’s Mass, and in the early morning, I am always positive that the text I use is something uplifting for my mother and anyone who turns up to participate in the Eucharist.  I inevitably bring into the reflection how important it is for us as disciples of Jesus to enter into the pondering of what real wisdom  and understanding of Sacred Scripture is in life, and I try my best to encourage all present to nurture this positively in their lives.  It is something that the Holy Spirit will help us to attain, but we need to truly desire to increase this capacity to live it out in our lives.  

I do find myself wondering why it is that I am suffering in this way in my life at the age of 56, but there is no good reason why I was involved in an accident when I went out for my morning exercise on 24 May 2021.  All I should tell myself is that accidents happen when they do, and God must have his reasons why I sustained such an injury that morning.  I was supposed to go back to the parish the morning after my exercise to celebrate the morning Eucharist, but I do know that my parish priest was informed of my unfortunate situation and ended up in the hospital awaiting the surgery to my skull.  Thankfully, he stepped in to fill the gap I created and it was to the surprise of the parishioners that I was literally thrown out of action in the morning.  I have yet to return to the parish as I am now on medical leave and won’t be back in action until my medical leave ends around the end of November or even in December.  I keep praying for my parishioners who are living their parish lives without me tending to them.  

Right now, I am still unclear as to how I would be able to get a priest to come to bring me Holy Communion when I am in the hospital post surgery, but I will do my best to get some information from the hospital administration staff.  Thankfully, there is a Catholic Church that is within walking distance from the hospital and I do hope that one of their lovely priests can bring me the Sacrament when I need it the most.

If there is one thing that you, dear reader, can pray for me, it would be that I can find a way to have a priest bring me Holy Communion when I am recuperating from the surgery.  I am trying the best to face the surgery with a positive attitude and hope.  I am sure that your prayers will do wonders for me, and I want to thank you for this effort of kindness and love.  

November 2 is always the day when Catholics celebrate All Souls’ Day.  If my surgery does happen on that day, it will be a day when I will be needing the prayers that many will be offering up for souls who have gone to God.

 

The call to be steady and constant as intercessors for one another in life is the shared call to all the Christian faithful.  

 

As people who are Christians, we all share a certain responsibility to be prayerful in our lives.  It’s not just that we should only be mindful that we need to be constant as people of prayer, but that in and through our prayer for the community, we are also interceding for others, even for those who we may not be physically close to in life.  We are reminded of this each time we bring ourselves to a celebration of the Eucharist at Mass, and the presider will bring this to our minds as our shared responsibility as people of a community who share the same faith.  We don’t have to look very far for such reminders.  

 

Just opening up a Roman Missal, which is the thick book that the Ordained Clergy uses at Mass and leaf through the pages of the Proper of Saints we will see plenty of evidence that the Church of Rome asks us to seek the intercessions of the many saints who have been canonized as part of their precious journey in life as the disciples of the Lord Jesus.  At the Mass for the memorial of the Holy Guardian Angels on 2 October, the words of the Prayer over the Offerings has the presider at the Mass praying that a we venerate the holy Angels, that God will grant that under the angels’ constant protection, we may be delivered from present dangers and brought happily to life eternal.  This shows that even right now here and in this life as we live it, we need the constant intercessions of the holy Angels in heaven.  And on 4 October, which is the memorial of Saint Francis of Assisi, the presider prays the introductory Collect, which says that by walking in Francis’ footsteps, that we may follow God’s Son and through joyful charity, come to be united with the Heavenly Father when our lives end.  On 7 October, as we celebrate the Memorial of Our Lady of the Rosary, the words of the Collect at Mass hears the Presider pray a heartfelt prayer that as we are present at the Mass, that God will pour his grace into our hearts and that through the intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary, by Jesus’ Passion and Cross, be brought to the glory of Jesus’ Resurrection.

 

These are not just a few examples of saints interceding for us while they are enjoying the heavenly embrace God gives them in heaven.  It means that heaven’s purpose is to make our lives here on earth meaningful and productive.  Moreover, it reminds us that if this is the shared call for those who have attained their heavenly reward, it tells us that our lives here need to be lived with the awareness that the intercessory aspect of our lives isn’t only something that we do later after we die, but that here and now is the time to practice it our sedulously and with love.

 

I know that many people pray for themselves, but this dimension of prayer should not be limited to praying for ourselves and our betterment.  There are plenty of reasons why the world needs more and more people interceding for them in all their aspects of life.  Right now, the COVID situation in the world is very expansive and the numbers are increasing as the days go by.  Yes, more and more people are getting vaccinated to protect themselves from the virus, but the rising numbers of those being vaccinated doesn’t seem to mitigate the spread of the virus in so many lands.  The Catholic Church has many Divine Mercy intercessory groups who get together (on ZOOM or in other ways) to pray for the many masses of people who are succumbing to the COVID virus.  It is just part of the way of life as Catholics, and it is something the world is desperately in need of.

 

What are we doing with our lives as we live more and more outside of the offices in life?  This is a valuable question that we need to ask ourselves each day.  Some people readily complain that our lives lived this way is something incredibly boring, but staying at home is a way of preventing the virus from getting to us.  Now while we are at home, there is plenty of opportunities to enter into prayer and to make of our lives something that benefits the many others who cannot find life meaningful outside of bringing themselves to places where there are other human beings.  If we were to pick up a set of rosary beads, we can use the time after a lunch or dinner to pray the entire five mystery of the decades and seek Mary’s intercession for the world.  This is discipleship in practice and all it takes is tender love of others who we may not be aware are experiencing life being low and melancholic.  When we do this, we are interceding for others in life.  And know this, that there are many others who are at the same time praying and interceding for us as well.

 

I know this for sure because I have been in contact with many friends and parishioners of mine from my priestly assignments who tell me often that they have been praying constantly for me in my recovery from the unfortunate accident that happened to me at the late part of May this year.  I am still in need of their generous prayers, and if you who are reading this happens to be one of them, please know that you have my heartfelt thanks for being my important intercessor in life.  I know that I cannot go through this upcoming surgery with confidence if nobody has prayed for me and for my surgeons’ deft skills. 

 

So please don’t stop interceding for the many who stand to benefit from your generosity in your prayer time.  Each day has many pockets of time where we can offer up our prayers to join the many who find life tough and perhaps even a chore.  God would want us to follow the lives of the many saints who have been canonized so that we can hold the world’s struggles as we live out our Christian lives with love and dedication.