Do we really want to die a happy death? Is this ever on our must-do list in life?

 Ever since I was a seminarian, aspiring to be an ordained priest in the Holy Catholic Church, I was given to be yearning to die a happy death at the end of my earthly existence.  Though we were never really formally instructed what it was to die a happy death, it was something that we nurtured in our hearts as we prepared, albeit sedulously, for the ordination to the priesthood that awaited us as we lived through the seemingly endless days in the 7 years of seminary formation. 

 

This was something that was brought so clearly to my consciousness when I was given the confirmation that I was suffering from the debilitating cancer of leukemia, and that of a very rare form, which was acute lymphocytic leukemia, which if not treated, would probably be fatal within a few months.

 

Of course, this news couldn’t be given to me at a worse time.  I was at that time in the beginning stages of studying for my License in Dogmatic Theology at the Dominican House of Studies in Washington DC.  This meant that I had to stop my pursuit of the degree because I had to focus squarely on my search for a suitable bone marrow donor whose HLA (human leukocyte antigen) typing matches mine. 

 

I will never forget how I reacted when my doctor revealed to me that I was now a patient suffering from a very serious form of cancer.  I smiled quietly, and whispered a prayer of grateful thanks to God for having given me this cross to carry.  I was never angry or resentful for the leukemia, and took full-on the arduous search for a matching HLA donor for my bone marrow transplant. 

 

I would surmise that at that point in my spiritual life, I was completely ready for death.  Of course, thoughts of how my family and loved ones would take the news of my imminent death came to mind, but they did not dampen my positive attitude toward my death.

 

In many of my spiritual readings from renown spiritual authors, I was always aware of the fact that we should never live our lives in ways that will make us die a sad or tragic death.  To be able to die a truly happy death, we need to be striving always to be in a state of grace, and not subject ourselves to unhealthy habits or addictions, and not to live in morally unscrupulous or illicit ways.  Like St Francis of Assisi, we ought to be able to see death as a sister, and welcome her when she made her presence known to us. 

 

To be ready for Sister Death is not to be overly remorse and downcast in life.  In short, it means that we are cognizant that this earthly life is not the be all and end all for everyone.  It’s just a transient stage before we reach our final everlasting state, which for all souls, ought to be in the full embrace of our Heavenly Father in eternity.  This makes us not put too much emphasis in our quest for happiness in this life, which for many, will include having large stores of wealth and a name known and loved by as many people as we can.  It’s the lifelong quest for fame, fortune and reputation. 

 

To be truthful, this is not the reason I went into the seminary to study for the priesthood.  No priest would want to be a priest in order to become rich and famous.  But as the years of the seminary formation passed, as we edged towards the coveted ordination date, we became clearer and clearer that the joys of the priesthood had to free us from the quest for riches, wealth and fame.  That is why at our ordination Mass, we transient deacons would be seen lying prostrate on the floor before the Bishop, signifying that we are ready to die to ourselves, and do be the servants of the Bishop who was going to ordain us in a few moments. 

 

Dying to the self includes us not pursuing things only that will thrill us or bring us some high repute in the eyes of those looking at us.  It frees us from only wanting things that will make us momentarily happy and contented.  It grounds us well and keeps us stable when things in life begin to fall apart.

 

I can’t keep preaching this, because there will be a time when the laity we preach to get tired of hearing us, if we keep droning on about this.  So, I write blogs like this one just so that when readers of my blog page happen to read it, they will get their conscience poked and prodded, and ask themselves the all-important question of whether they are ready to die a happy death.

 

Things that bring a smile to our faces are manifold and plenty, but some of them only bring temporary and transient joys to our lives.  But it is only when we pursue the godly and holy joys that will make us endure the trials and afflictions that are long-term and can even cause our deaths. 

 

May all of us be truly ready to die a happy death when Sister Death comes a-visiting.

When the unexpected happens to us in life, it really isn't as bad as many may think.

 

*  THIS IS NOT A NEW POST.  IT'S AN OLD POST WHICH I NEVER GOT TO POST, AND FOR SOME REASON WAS LOCKED OUT OF MY BLOG PAGE.  I FINALLY FOUND ACCESS TO THE BLOG, AND AM POSTING THIS OLD REFLECTION WHICH NEVER GOT TO BE POSTED.  BUT THE MESSAGE STILL HOLDS TRUE, AND THIS IS WHY I AM POSTING THIS REFLECTION.  PLEASE NOTE THAT I AM NOT ABOUT TO GO INTO SURGERY.  

I know that many parishioners who personally know me through my serving them as a priest have been praying for me as the days progress toward my planned surgery to replace the empty parts of my skull with two KEEP plates that are coming in from Switzerland.  This was arranged for me by the dexterous surgeons who in the last part of May 2021 performed the surgery to remove the two parts of my skull as they realized that they were bleeding from the accident that occurred to me while I was exercising early on 24 May.  I have no recollection of that accident having happened.  All I can recall is that one day I woke up after the surgery that took place in Tan Tock Seng Hospital. 

 

And I am profoundly grateful to my parishioners who have been praying almost incessantly for the success of the second operation, after which I will slowly recover and get back into parish life to serve them as one of their priests in the Immaculate Heart of Mary parish in Singapore.  Knowing that there are many who are praying for the intervention of the Holy Spirit as the surgery progresses gives me a tremendous amount of confidence.  The original date of the surgery was slated to be Thursday 24 September, and it is also the feast day of St Padre Pio, whom many are praying to for his intercession for me. 

 

I had set my heart on undergoing that complex surgery on 24 September but I had also been nursing a coughing bout that was accompanied by the expectoration of thick phlegm.  On Friday, 17 September, I had an appointment to see the surgeon at the hospital for a pre-surgery interview where I was analyzed for my suitability and readiness for the 24 September surgery.  It was there that the anesthesiologist had a one to one with me and my brother, and patiently explained to me that with the state of cough that my body is going through, it is unwise to carry on with the surgery on 24 September.  There are complications that can result if what is infecting my lungs with this bout of flu affects my recovering process post-surgery, and suggested (with consultation with his senior surgeons) that the surgery now be moved to a later date instead.  It will now most probably happen sometime in October to keep my post-surgery condition controllable and not be complicated due to me infecting the process of recovery. 

 

I will admit that it sounded like a very positive thing that the surgeon is making such an arrangement.  Understandably, when I informed some friends of the movement of the date, they were visibly disturbed and showed great concern for me.  I kept assuring them that this was most probably moved in order for me, the patient, to benefit in a better way post surgery. 

 

There will often be moments in life when the things we have either been planned for us or the things that we have planned for, get affected by a change of date.  It is tempting to blame anyone, including God, when such things happen to our plans in life, but this would be a dangerous thing to do.  God is ultimately in charge of what happens to us, and if the dates and time table changes, it is best to believe that God has allowed it to happen.  Blaming God with disdain impacts negatively our faith life, and ultimately our relationship with God. 

 

There are many feast days that the church celebrates and observes in the month of October, and one of them is 18 October, which is the feast of my patron saint, St Luke the evangelist.  I would have no qualms if the surgery is moved to that date.  I would be submitting myself to the patronage of my own patron saint who has walked with me through the ups and downs of my personal life.

 

Other notable feasts in October are 2 October of the memorial of the Holy Guardian Angels, October 4 the memorial of St Francis of Assisi, and 7 October, which is the memorial of Our Lady of the Rosary. 

 

The hope of the surgeon is that as my coughing fit heals and I recover from it, there should be about a 14-day period where my body isn’t plagued with the flu bug and they can carry on the planned surgery without the danger of my causing infection to my healing due to the surgery.  I even had to undergo a chest X-Ray at the hospital just to be ensured that my lungs are clear within.  I will only know the new date as the results of the tests that were done to my body and blood emerge.  Right now, the date of the surgery is still not confirmed.

 

Do I hope that my parishioners and friends will still continue to pray for the success of the surgery?  I certainly hope so.  Nothing gives a patient who is undergoing an extensive surgery more than the confidence that those who know him are praying earnestly for his recovery and the deft surgery skills of his surgeon.

 

Now, each day that progresses, I am constant in taking the medications that were administered to me by the doctor I went to see when my coughing started.  I am also praying daily for the help of both Mother Mary and the Holy Spirit to help me in my path out of the coughing and the fullness of the phlegm in my lungs. 

 

If you who are reading this blog are one of my friends who are assisting me in prayer, thank you so much, and may God give you the grace to continue in your prayer for me and the success of the upcoming surgery to my skull.  Till I see you again after recovering from the work of the surgeon’s hands, I want to wish you the choicest blessings of God.

Why is Peter asked by Jesus three times if he loved him?

 It is recorded in John 21:15-17 that after his resurrection, while sharing breakfast together, Jesus asked Peter three times if he loved him.  It is obvious that to Jesus, it was extremely important that Peter expresses clearly and unequivocally that he loved Jesus.  A positive and affirmative answer would be for Jesus a crystal-clear sign that Peter was truly ready for his future ministry.

 

I am certain that there are scripture scholars who have said that asking Peter three times the same question “Do you love me?” is a way of Peter overcoming the three painful denials that Peter was so guilty of before Jesus was crucified on the cross of Calvary.  Peter knew in his heart of hearts that he did consciously and purposely denied Jesus three times.

 

There are two words in Greek that are used for love.  The first is agape love, which is the love that is unconditional.  The first two times Jesus asked Peter the question, he used the word agape.  So, in essence, Jesus was asking Peter if he loved Jesus unconditionally. 

 

However, the way Peter answers Jesus the first two times, he used the word phileo, which is a brotherly/friendship type of love.  In essence, while Jesus asked Peter if he loved him unconditionally, Peter answered that he loved him in a brotherly and friendly way.  It was a wrong answer that Jesus got from Peter.

 

But the third time Jesus asked Peter the question, he used the same phileo word for love, and Peter responded by saying “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.”  In asking Peter to love him in an agape way, he was asking Peter to stretch his love to a more unconditional kind.  He couldn’t.  So, Jesus, from his charitable and loving heart, came down to Peter’s level, and met him at his smallness of his heart.

 

Jesus was readying Peter’s heart to love his sheep in a sacrificial and effortful way. 

As the programme of Marriage Encounter stresses so clearly, love is at its root, a decision.  This is of utmost importance because the problem with so many people, love is much more a feeling or a sentiment, and couples in many years of married life are often yearning and searching for that sentiment they experienced when they were in their courtship years.  They long to have that feeling all over again, because it was so easy and delightful to love when they had those feelings.

 

But the problem lies in the fact that feelings and sentiments are things that affect the very weak and momentary movements of the human heart.  Every human heart has its ups and downs, and because of its fluctuations, a sentiment or feeling doesn’t last for a very long time. 

 

But when love is understood to be a decision, it changes everything.  It means that no matter what happens, no matter what pains and turmoil that the human heart can experience, the love that was declared and vowed at the wedding altar before the priest and the gathered community of family and friends perseveres and will not be shaken. 

 

This understanding of love (that love is a decision) is what holds a married couple’s love strong and is an unmovable stalwart amidst the trials and temptations of life.  But if love is only a sentiment or feeling, it can easily fall apart once the pain of trials and temptations make their unwanted presence felt.

 

But I do understand that arriving at this strong definition of true love is not something automatic, and that it takes time.  That is why couples planning on getting married need to go for marriage preparation courses to be exposed to the critical instructions on decision-based love before reaching the altar on their wedding. 

 

It would be extremely helpful if this was taught to us in our secondary school days, but as it is, there are so many subjects that teenagers have to learn before their very important ‘O’ level examinations at the age of 16 years.  They would probably not treat this as something that is critical for their adult years later on. 

 

If we priests base our love only on feelings and sentiments, so many of us would easily have stopped being loving shepherds to the members of our parishes.  But most of us know that love is a decision, and it’s a vital part of the commitment we made on the day that we were ordained as priests by our bishop. 

 

Ultimately, love is not a many splendored thing.  Rather, love is a commitment and a decision, and we are reminded of this whenever we cast our eyes on the image of Jesus crucified on his cross on Calvary.  That, dear reader, is an unmistakable display of how deep a decision it was when Jesus gave up his life to save us sinners. 

Can we ever deserve the grace of God?

 In my education and moral education, I have been brought up to understand that we need to work for things that delight us in life.  So, we worked hard in school to get the grades that we wanted to attain, and morally, we would live the kind of life that merits us the blessings and graces that we need to be seen by God as lovable and humble.  But deep down inside, what I never realized is that I nurtured the wrong understanding about the graciousness of God and his love.

 

It only struck me as significant when I was ordained a priest, and started to minister to the people as someone who hears their confessions.  I have often wondered if I was being too liberal in administering God’s mercy and forgiveness when, no matter how heinous the sins were, at the end of the sacrament, I would confer on them the abstinence, restoring them to the grace of God.  Sometimes, the more serious the sin, the more the question would pass my consciousness – am I being too free with God’s mercy to this person?

 

Perhaps part of me had this questionable understanding – we need to be able to deserve the merits of God.  But in truth, grace is not something that we merit in life.  There is this well-known passage in the Gospel, where a rich young man turned down Jesus’ invitation to leave everything and follow him, but Peter, who watched this happening, asked Jesus what those who do give up everything to follow Jesus are going to get in return.  In response, Jesus conveys the parable of the generous land owner and the vineyard workers who were employed at different times of the day, and at the end of the day, all of them were remunerated the same pay regardless of the number of hours they spent laboring in the hot sun.  Those who worked the longer hours in the heat expressed bitterness and unfairness.  In the parable, the vineyard owner (who is God), states that there is no unfairness as everyone has in fact received an over-generous payment.

 

There is a deep lesson in this parable for all of us.  This protestation of unfairness demonstrates that in the end of the world, on judgement day, there will be people who have not been as faithful as we have, but will be still receiving the full mercy and grace of God.  In short, we could be much like the older brother in the parable of the Prodigal Father, who lived in the love and provision of the father, but was either unhappy or felt it unfair that his younger and petulant brother, who returned at the end of his cavorting and self-pleasure, was enjoying the provision of such splendor and comfort by the same father.

 

What if, in all the Catholic funeral Masses that had been celebrated for the deceased believers, there were many who, unbeknownst to the celebrant priest, had lived a life of complete selfishness and never went for Masses on Sundays?  Was the priest being too liberal in giving them the funeral that saw them off to either the crematorium or the grave?  Would a priest be punished for being too free in dispensing God’s mercy and forgiveness to sinners?  We will only know when we see our judge at the end of our lives.

 

I don’t want to imagine the effect would have on believers if a priest refused a funeral, perhaps for a person who hadn’t been interested in the church all their lives.  And I wonder how many Catholics, reading this blog reflection, would find this story comforting rather than discomforting and disturbing, especially in the light of the strong ethos of the church today where many are nursing the fear that we may be handing out God’s grace and mercy in a haphazard way. 

 

The painful truth is this – grace and mercy, like love in the truest sense, are never given out cheaply.  And like love, it is never truly merited by the receiver.